The voice

I'm not sure why marriage changes things, but does. Its hard to verbalize what changes or how. Its subtle and elusive. Something about the permanence, I think. Something about FOREVER.

"Is this how its going to be for the rest of my life? Am I always going to have to remind him to take the garbage our on Tuesday night? Is this how its going to be....FOREVER?"

A ticker tape of fears, frustrations and agitations unroll. Individually, these items are not deal breakers. ie. Not rolling up the toothpaste wont make me leave you. Neither will not feeding the dogs. Or forgetting to call before you come home to see if we need anything from the store.

(voice over of Gollum)But at 6 am, for the 50th morning in a row, when I am struggling to squeeze out some TOMS on my brush- I contemplate the ease my life would have if YOU had just rolled up the bottom of the tube like decent human being. If you had made effortless for me to obtain liberation from morning breath. Instead, YOU did this to make my life harder. On some level YOU want me to flip out in the bathroom at some ungodly hour, so that YOU can prove to everyone that I am high maintenance and irrational.

I take a deep breath and recollect myself. I see the voice for what it is and roll the tube up myself. I have faith that my sweet husband is lovingly clueless. I remember that he hates conflict and avoids it any cost. I remind myself that he wants a happy life.

"Happy Wife/Happy life" he always says.

I remind myself that this voice wasn't present before the vows were exchanged and for some reason now the voice wants to take up residence here. But I yell back, "I love my life! Fuck off and stop trying to freak me out!"

I remind myself that everything changes. Even this.

I brush my teeth, exit the bathroom and trip over his shoes!

"WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!" hisses the voice throwing up the reminder that its been 5 days since we last had sex!

Marriage changes things. Not sure why, only that it does.