Food NOs

I am currently investigating how different substances effect me. Recently, I had a cup of half decaf and half regular coffee (the most I ever drink is a cup of green tea). About two hours later I was exhausted, anxious, and wanted to cry. I had to keep reminding myself that these new clients were not the reason I was so uptight. Caffeine and sugar lead me down an unflattering road called, "Bitchy Anxious Lane". All I want to do is cry in the corner while someone holds me and tells me I'm not fat, ____.....

So I have under taken this change in my diet for the next year. The list of NO's sounds extensive, but worth it. So here goes the list of NO-NO's; dairy, sugar, alcohol, wheat or gluten.

Over the fall, my husband and I did this "cleanse/detox" for 6 weeks. We slept great, felt energetic, never felt deprived and our grocery bill decreased. I notice an increase in intimacy and felt he was more accessible and focused. We both lost 15-20 lbs each within the 6 weeks. Even though that wasn't the purpose, but it was a wonderful benefit! When we were both on the "cleanse/detox" I noticed an absence of irritation I had around food and interacting with my husband that I usually felt around meal times with him. Normally my husband and I eat every differently. I care about the ethics of food and he cares only about a good deal. I end up feeling pissed at him for not caring or beat myself up for being too up tight. However, when we were both on the "cleanse/detox" it felt as though we were on a team. That we were working towards a common goal.

I committed to this change for ONE year starting TODAY (Jan. 9th, 2010).

During this time I will be mindful of what I take into my body and what is behind the motivation to eat/crave a chosen food.

We are now back to eating different things. I was concerned for the return of this irritation and voiced this to him. However, he showed me he is aware and supportive of my choices. I feel loved and cared for because he know how hard these changes can be. His support helps me to feel empowered and strong. GOD be with me.

The Grass

So a glimpse into my mind has shone me I am a unhappy whore. I am wondering if "he" is a better match for me or if I would have better sex with that one. Comparing mind + coming into my sexual prime = Greener Grass Syndrome.

The truth is when I get close to flame; whether is passion, temptation, stimulating conversation, an instant connection I always get burnt. Its never as I imagined it would be; he turns out to be a bad dancer, not very smart, the day light changes and in this light he doesn't look at tempting. In the end when the game plays itself out and right before I've stepped over some imaginary line in my head and crossed over into the land-o-cheating tension snaps.

Then comes the sting of truth. When reality snaps back the problem lies with me. I realize I have not put forth the romantic gestures recently. I play back all the times I have half listened to yet another fantasy football scenario.

I am reminded to double up my efforts and knuckle down. This monogamy is not for the weak willed or faint of heart. It requires constant diligence. And for the moment you think you've got this shit down and you pick your head up to see how the Jones' are doin, just remember this is when Your Grass begins to change. Your grass becomes crab grass and you begin to covet other's nicely tended lawns. In that moment, take a breath and laugh it off because you remember that grass stain.

The voice

I'm not sure why marriage changes things, but does. Its hard to verbalize what changes or how. Its subtle and elusive. Something about the permanence, I think. Something about FOREVER.

"Is this how its going to be for the rest of my life? Am I always going to have to remind him to take the garbage our on Tuesday night? Is this how its going to be....FOREVER?"

A ticker tape of fears, frustrations and agitations unroll. Individually, these items are not deal breakers. ie. Not rolling up the toothpaste wont make me leave you. Neither will not feeding the dogs. Or forgetting to call before you come home to see if we need anything from the store.

(voice over of Gollum)But at 6 am, for the 50th morning in a row, when I am struggling to squeeze out some TOMS on my brush- I contemplate the ease my life would have if YOU had just rolled up the bottom of the tube like decent human being. If you had made effortless for me to obtain liberation from morning breath. Instead, YOU did this to make my life harder. On some level YOU want me to flip out in the bathroom at some ungodly hour, so that YOU can prove to everyone that I am high maintenance and irrational.

I take a deep breath and recollect myself. I see the voice for what it is and roll the tube up myself. I have faith that my sweet husband is lovingly clueless. I remember that he hates conflict and avoids it any cost. I remind myself that he wants a happy life.

"Happy Wife/Happy life" he always says.

I remind myself that this voice wasn't present before the vows were exchanged and for some reason now the voice wants to take up residence here. But I yell back, "I love my life! Fuck off and stop trying to freak me out!"

I remind myself that everything changes. Even this.

I brush my teeth, exit the bathroom and trip over his shoes!

"WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!" hisses the voice throwing up the reminder that its been 5 days since we last had sex!

Marriage changes things. Not sure why, only that it does.

Coming untied????

So, things are so super good with "us" right now. We are getting along great, laughing, saving money, making good friends, enjoying spring, liking our jobs, helping others, going out, having good sex.....I could go on and on. Really.

Yet, all of that being said, I have this sense of urgency. A sense of impending doom and because of that I want to write it all down, tell everyone, get a tattoo, ANYTHING to remind myself of this time. I am sure down the road there will come a time when it gets bumpy, sex get stale, or our situation finds itself in an over all lack luster state. This time, if it were recorded, would serve as a reminder of the ebb and flow. It could be the shot in the arm our station may need. Our adrenaline.

Right? I mean isn't it smart to back up your computer and make an extra copy of a manuscript? Isn’t it prudent to safeguard against marriage melt down? 

Or and here's the real kicker, am I creating my own sad destiny by negatively projecting into the future? I'm I loosing precious moments stalk piling for the Y2K of my marriage? Basically, am I untying the shoelace so it can drop off?

Uhhhhhhh...ugh.

I guess I’m gonna hedge my bets, write down some examples, brag to my friends, smell the roses of or relationship, tell myself lies that things will never change and hope I tied my shoes on tight. 

Doing myself no favors

So I have noticed that sometimes I do myself no favors. Its simple things really, like going to the movies or hypothesizing about other people's lives. 

For instance, when I go and see a romantic comedy. I have an amazing capacity for suspended disbelief, so I am totally believing what ever I am find myself watching. Therefore, when I leave the movies I begin to compare "their" romance to my own. I begin to think damaging things like, "I am not as nice or spontaneous as "she" is. My husband is not as thoughtful or passionate as "him". We are no where near as close and connect as "they" are. I begin to long for and wish for that sort of relationship and degrade the one I'm in.

OR and this is my favorite one, I see someone and based on the snap shot I get of them I roll out this elaborate, hand made tapestry of their life. For instance, this bar owner I met this Sunday. He was smily = happy, well dressed = rich, seem to know everyone= popular and was oh so helpful= kind-hearted. I spun this amazing story about him, only to have it dismantled during the after party. As it turned out he was a a narcissistic, freak who was just breaking up with his "model" girlfriend. Not to mention he was was totally inappropriate, even after he knew I was married he tried to attack my happiness/marriage.

These points are to illustrate the ever so common plague called, "Comparing Mind". This  terribly destructive phenomena is totally avoidable and NOT REAL (as illistrated)! Don't be like me! Don't fall pray to this evil mind trick. Don't be like me. Do yourself a favor and don't engage in COMPARING MIND.

getting to know me

I should start by saying I don't believe anything is personal and the human experience is universal. I believe sharing and listening allows us to realize the ease around life. If we all would loosen our grips on "how we look" or "what others would think" I think we would all feel so much better. 

That being said, upon gentle nudging this blog is born. My desire is to reveal the under explored world of......Marriage!

I don't claim to be an expert on the subject, quite the opposite (more about that later). I am simply someone who has gone through the process and emerged into this land called Married. Previous to this initiation, I was curious about this institution and its members. Because of my job (massage therapist) I am often a part of proposals, weddings and anniversaries. I am, by nature, a inquisitive person. Therefore, I often ask, "How did you know she/he was the one?" "What's the secrete of a good marriage?" "Any words of advice?".

So, now I'm here to report back from the ALTARED side.